Very recently, I saw a TED talk worth watching. The speaker’s final words profoundly summate his content: The opposite of addiction is not sobriety. The opposite of addiction is connection. Social disconnection leads to feelings of discomfort, pain, or fear – feelings that we like to distract from, numb, or ignore. In order to avoid such feelings, we act out in ways that could become addictive, if repeated enough times. We don’t know what that number of times is for any one individual. A pattern of behavior that occurs over and over again becomes grooved into the brain, and a habit is born.

In our best efforts as parents and educators, from what we believe is a good place, we scold, caution, warn, shame, and punish based on our training and conditioning of what is right and wrong, good and bad. We focus on judgment to guide us, often while fearing the worst. In the process, out of energy of fear and judgment, we inadvertently, unintentionally, push our loved ones, students and/or colleagues away, creating alienation, isolation and shame. We don’t mean for this to happen, but it does. We feel disconnected, as do our loved ones, students, and colleagues, and each one of us can’t help but turn to behaviors or substances for comfort. We watch TV, play a video game, pour a drink, have some marijuana, smoke a cigarette, eat some chocolate cake, shop online, watch porn, and/or have an orgasm. No one is to blame because no one has been taught to connect the dots between disconnection and addiction. No one has been taught how to connect in order to prevent addiction. Here are 3 powerful ways to start connecting today: 

1. Use supportive statements rather than ask questions: Right now, we believe that if we ask people how they’re doing, how was their day, what did you learn or experience that was great, who did you see, what did you do, and on and on, that by asking questions we show we care, and by getting answers we are connecting. I’ve been working with teenagers for 27 years and I’m here to tell you, it drives them crazy! I was married 15 years, and I’m here to tell you, it drove him crazy! It actually makes people feel like they have to perform, they have to please us, and they have to come up with the “right” answers. I have powerfully observed the difference it makes to replace all those questions with simple supportive sentences, like when someone gets home, “It’s so nice to see you,” rather than, “How was your day?” Or when someone messes up, “I know you did the best you could; you would have done better if you could have,” rather than, “What’s wrong with you? What were you thinking?” Or when we see someone tired or in a bad mood or overwhelmed, “I’m here for you if you need me,” rather than, “What do you want me to say?” Or finally, when someone is feeling confused or scared, we don’t have to ask them why, we can just say, “Whatever this is, we’re in it together.”

2. Use supportive nonverbal behaviors: Begin operating out of an important assumption that life is hard for all of us, no matter our age or resources or lack thereof. These are stressful times and we are all in overwhelm. In fact, too many of us are often one harsh word or behavior away from giving up. Those of you who aren’t relating to this, good for you! I feel so happy if there are still those tough cookies out there that are managing it all. Please know, however, that for a growing number of us, people of all ages and from every background, we are getting buried, and all the talk and chatter and questions we get when we feel that way, is just too much. I have powerfully observed the difference it makes to my son, (it always has), that I pick him up from school or a friend or an activity and I just smile. Without speaking a word after a long busy day, when I know his brain has been on overdrive, I quietly and sincerely smile and sometimes give a light rub on his upper back or shoulder or knee, showing him how happy I am to see him, and we just sit quietly in the car with the breeze blowing or the music playing or the silence. I notice his nervous system settle. I notice how, after he settles, he’s happy to share whatever feels important to him to share, and how happy I am to just get to meet him where’s he’s at. 

3. Understand that it’s just activation in the nervous system; IT’S NOT PERSONAL TO YOU: This is a tough one for all of us. We readily tend to experience another’s “disconnect” as their need to get away from us because they don’t like us or love us. We’re primed to interpret things that way often because of previous experiences in our lives. I’m not saying it’s never true that we can be annoying to someone and that someone needs to distance themselves from us, but I am saying that it is often less about us and more about how that person is feeling inside their own skin. People are tired, stressed, overwhelmed, and in survival mode from all they navigate on a daily basis to feel okay. People just need to regulate, and they do this by not talking, by having downtime alone, by temporarily “disconnecting” from others so they can restore their own equilibrium. 

We need to self-regulate in order to co-regulate. We need to connect with a better feeling self, in order to connect with another. Please, with compassion rather than conditioned fear and judgment, can we please start doing that for one another? Let’s give ourselves and the other much-needed time and space so we can come back together in greater internal equilibrium, only then can we truly connect with each other in a preventative way. I felt it strongly last night. I kept thinking, “Do I want some chocolate? I think I want chocolate…”, and my son came in and sat at the side of my bed and took my hand…We had previously had a little “disconnect” so it felt like he needed to repair as much as I did. As we held hands without saying a word, I could literally feel my whole system settle to the point of a very well feeling inside and I noticed clearly that I didn’t want any chocolate at all.

Photo by juan pablo rodriguez on Unsplash